Thursday, February 24, 2005

Answering life's persistent questions

Frank J's got a list of questions the MSM would love to ask bloggers. In the interest of educating the drooling masses (ok, so not all journalists drool, but I think I'm safely within artistic license here), I think all bloggers should post their answers to them. Here's mine:

1. Who the hell do you think you are?

Don't mind me. I'm just the guy who does the thing, ya know?

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?

Actually I work in IT, which is roughly the same thing. Guy comes in; gives a custom order even though we have a standard menu; we painstakingly put together what he wants; after which he loudly complains that we screwed up his order, and demands to see our manager.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?

I worked on a school newspaper and was editor of our yearbook. But all the journalism options past high school seemed to largely consist of spewing forth verbose, redundant tripe. So I decided to get a real job instead.

4. Do you even read newspapers?

Newspapers? There's still newspapers around? Isn't that quaint!

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?

Actually, I mostly watch CNBC's stock market coverage, and switch to Bloomberg when CNBC drops into its horrid prime-time lineup. I only watch Fox when the Net tells me there's something interesting happening in the world, but I don't feel like downloading the video.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?

Nope. But I bet you're something even worse--one of those people who call in to radio talk shows with an idiotic opinion and a smug attitude!

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?

Hehe, you said "fax". Fax. Heh.

Actually, I've been meaning to talk to the GOP about their talking points. They keep stealing my ideas and putting them into their press releases without crediting me!

Darn you Rove, when I signed up for the brainwashing, I did NOT agree to installing a transmitter as well!!!

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?

Because people who disagree with me are, by definition, stupid. The real question is, why do YOU want stupid people talking and taking up all the jobs?

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?

As far as I know, there's only three countries:
1. the US (where we buy and store all our stuff)
2. Asia (who sells us all the stuff we want to buy), and
3. Everyone Else (who mostly causes trouble and tries to make us feel guilty)

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?

Well, I've been to 2 of the 3 countries mentioned above, so I've seen 67% of the countries out there. I'd say that makes me pretty well traveled.

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?

Mostly because I'm pretty sure I'd make a horrible soldier. Besides, after labelling us all "facists", "idiots", "hatemongers", "brainwashed", "KKKillers", and other such epithets, do you really want us to have access to guns and military hardware as well?

And incidentally, if you're so against the war, how come you haven't signed up to fight with the terrori--I'm sorry, the "insurgents"? They're out there, fighting your fight for you, sticking up for your loon leftist beliefs, and you don't have the guts to join them in their struggle which you idealize so much? For shame!

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?

Are you saying you want my best friend to die? You horrible bastard!

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?

Nope, I haven't had to "pick the brain" of any Democrats recently.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!

Well, I used to think I was pretty average IT grunt. But some guy in sunglasses and a black trenchcoat just showed up with a red pill and a blue pill, so give me a few hours and I'll get back to you on this one. . .

Whoa, time lapse

The effects of a looming deadline upon one's sense of time never ceases to amaze and annoy me. I could've sworn that when I woke up yesterday, it was mid-January and I had plenty of time to meet my March 1 deadline at work. How'd it get to be late February without my notice?!?

I suppose that adequately explains the lack of posts over the last month, though it doesn't make me feel any better about it.